drowning

What a day~
Couldn't sleep so I got up at 3 ... and used my cell phone light to read some Psalms verses.
I remember thinking, Wow... David is soooo honest and sooooooo pining after God. This is what it means to be a man after God's own heart...
After reading a few chapters, I drifted into sleep . . .

My alarm at 7:30 woke me. I thought I had put my alarm to 7:15 so I sprung out of bed, and hastily washed my face, tore through my closet, and bounded down the stairs. But map was wrong for the time the bus would be coming. It would come at exactly 7:50 and not 7:51. I went back home, tossed in a water bottle and my umbrella, ate something, and left again for the next stop.

I waited for an hour.
I was in Oakland, reading my book, waiting for the 11 bus. I kept asking people if it'd come or not, everyone assured me it would.
It finallllly came.

i was late.
People started introducing themselves, making jokes, I was unprepared. awkward. and very tired. ... and after meeting Shera, very very impressed and shy.

Nevertheless, I got through it, lunch was great, Brad was very nice, and I was very passionate for CCMP- Coalition of Concerned Medical Professionals, a grassroots organization that gives medical service to low income workers and fights for comprehensive health care.
I awed at the typewriter, the passssiooonnnatttee volunteers, and marveled that everything from Brad's clothes to the food to every supply was donated.
plans for advancing its cause in my head.



gave 3 homeless people money. talked to a hobo... he got me water...
i gave him my information... i didn't feel right.
i called sarah. no answer. leave message. call paul.
great phone call. :) 'Jesus wants to experience both the bad and the good with you. Come as you are. He still loves you. you are hurting huh?' i cried. called sarah. ark? ok... sure :)

ARK.
didn't know what to expect, heard that it was a charismatic church...
but when we started to worship, it was just people expressing their love their joy to God... singing, dancing, shouting... a little reflection of Heaven...
heavy on my heart. i started to believe again. in the power of the holy spirit.
come on up she said. no more fear of man in you she said.
i came up. scared doubtful.
stop thinking and just let go she said.
try these words...
...
...
is this real?
...
...
i guess it is....
...
but other people...
...
its okay...
...
i only want one thing most of all...
besides spiritual gifts...
and that one thing...
is to knnoow the love and grace of God. . .
so that when people scream for joy at the liberation that Jesus Christ brought...
i don't stand there confused... burning to experience to know what they're feeling...
.... that's all i want....
....
hi can i pray for you... she said.
never expected what would come next.
ladder... i'm climbing and climbing and i'm struggling....
God......
.....
is pleased with you.
THUNDERBOLT.
God is so pleased with you its like He wants to give you a prize
for being so faithful.
THUNDERBOLT.
rain....streaming down..................
He. is. so. pleased. with. you.
rain. rain. rain..........

He wants you to keep climbing up the ladder
even though its so long
and its going to be hard
because the things beyond that ladder are glorious

He loves you.
He is so pleased with you.



That realization was the greatest gift I received that night.
She didn't know me. Didn't know the sins I struggled with. didn't know that i'm the worst hypocrite and the greatest of all sinners
But to know that God is actually pleased with me... that Jesus loves me like a tidal wave ... that God wants to pour out on full blast his blessings upon me... upon everyone of us....
to know that you smile when you see me
is so precious and so so wonderful Lord.

I will keep on climbing Lord....
I love you Lord thank you for loving me first... and ALWAYS

Hope

No, not with a certain boy.
But with my oldest dream. And again, no, not becoming the president of the united states...

I attended a pre-health/pre-med conference today, from 9-4.
The greatest thing I got out of it was....
You Can Do it. And here are some things, some people, some information to help you toward that track.

I was honestly moved to tears when Issac Yang, a neurosurgeon at UCSF, told us that thing he wished he'd heard when he was an undergraduate were the words: YOU CAN DO IT!
The application for medschool is daunting, the competition fierce, the stress insurmountable. for me. and perhaps for other students as well. However, Issac gave me hope today.
He described how during his first year, he had a low G.P.A., was even failing a course, and then he started to get serious. And he is where is today-12 research publications under his belt, as a resident at UCSF! Albeit, he told he had some struggles along the way, like not getting into some medical schools.
I completely resonated with his story, for I was no stranger to failures, and was so moved by his honesty, his passion (even after that!) and inspired by his character, and all his feats.
He then talked about Michael Jordan who was, unbelievably, cut from his high school basketball team! If Jordan had agreed with his coach, called it quits, taken criticism at face value, he would never have gotten to be the greatest basketball player of all time.

'Success is going from failure to failure
without lack of enthusiasm.

Behind every person, is a magnitude of failures. But you don't see them.' And I certainly could not have imagined the failures that he had... it gave me great hope that if I still wanted to pursue something with all my heart, I could get as far as he had.


Another beautiful example that will forever stay with me was what he called the Roger Bannister Principle




Roger Bannister was the first person ever to run the mile in 4 minutes (1952).
Before that time, everyone said it was physically impossible, scientific tests were conducted to affirm that it would break the laws of physics, it had never been done and could never be done.
However, Roger Bannister disproved all of that when in 1952, he broke the world record with a 4 -minute mile. An impossible feat defeated.
And, in just the next year after, 12 more people broke the 4 minute mark after him. "Do you think the human species evolved in that time span to run faster?" Issac joked.
A mental barrier placed in our minds was broken. After seeing how it was possible, other people followed suit. How? Issac imagined people would have straight out asked Bannister how he trained, what he did, for tips and advice... "what type of wheaties are you eating in the morning?!" anything and everything to do it themselves too.
And that is why we need role models, mentors. "The quickest, fastest, best way to success is to find someone who has done what you want to do and emulate them. It's the way the best have always achieved success. Michael Jordan did it with Dr. J. Tiger Woods did it with Jack Nickalus, and I am sure tomorrow's best are emulating today's successful heroes."


Who will be my mentor, my role model, someone who I will closely watch and follow ?
This I will have to research, but I am deeply inspired by Michelle Obama, the courageous actions that she's taken in order to address the public health issue of obesity. http://www.letsmove.gov/
She's of course in the legislative side, the policy side of Public Health, so I'll need someone that I want to exactly emulate. step by step. !!!!

There are specifc steps I have to take of course:
for Med School:
-GPA
-MCAT
-Personal Statement
-Interviews
-Extracurricular / leadership

or 2-year MPH Program:
-Bachelor's degree
-G.P.A. 3.0 upper div courses
-GRE 50th % of above
-3 outstanding letters of recommendation
-Statement of purpose
-Personal history statement
-Experience, internship, job



Oh man, I'm looking over my notes from the event...
and honestly I am so excited. public health is a wonderful field~ there are a wide range of issues
i'm so glad that I'm immersed in this environment, the one where people pursue their dreams even seemingly beyond their body's or mental constraints.
when i hear their stories, what they did, where they are, it inspires me. I'm so glad for them. It gives me hope. :)
though I'm a pessimist, I'm trying to be an optimist.
I want to see hope ^^

i wanted to write so much other stuff
hahaha but i care about the subject and contents being correlated to each other
so much for it being my blog :) and a random array of thoughts
I CAN DO IT!!

WONDERFULL!
What a wonderful day! ... well not so sure about my morning.. but

Wow awesome!
I am so refreshed! Because I remember who I am again...
So much me talk!
I had been focusing so much on myself, myself, myself.
Being so selfish... thinking I have every right to do what brings me the most pleasure...
And... also in that respect, I was trying to also solve all my problems by myself, thinking I WILL be the master of my problems, I will condition myself into who I want to be.
I was so obsessed . so depressed. so unforgiving of myself. so anxious, couldn't sleep, unhappy.
and now I see why!
And even when I prayed, it was all about me, my problems! isn't that ironic? that you can think that you're praying, but you're actually nourishing the habit that binds you, that buries you in yourself and not God?
i should be careful here, because when I prayed, it wasn't all bad :)
and I will continue doing so...but with this in mind.

God is sovereign.
People have always questioned, "If God is the just, good God...why is there so much injustice in the world? Why is there so much evil?"
But Pastor Josh said that we were asking the wrong question. And if you ask the wrong question, you will get the wrong answer.
The right question to ask is: "If God is a good, just God... why hasn't fire from Heaven come down and destroyed me yet? and the rest of humanity?.. for I am so sinful...we all are so sinful..."
...

And very simply, it is because of God's grace.
Because of Jesus' love for us.

God is sovereign.
For him, all things were made, For his glory, are we made.
John Piper said this : "God is most glorified when we are most satisfied in Him."
It really took a lonooonng time for me to understand this. It is phenomenal.
God is being glorified, not us. And its when we are satisfied in Him, and not us.

Another analogy that was really awesome was
that we can be overwhelmed with our problems. focus on it so much.
much like if you take a coin, and place it up to your eye,
the coin is all you see.

But if you put it in the backdrop of the cross, it becomes tiny... almost insignificant.
this doesn't mean to ignore your problems, he said.
Acknowledge them, do what it is right to fix them, but whether you are in season or out of season, in good tidings or bad, acknowledge God, know he is sovereign.
He is in control. There is no problem God cannot handle. (!) God is sovereign.

"be Still and know what I am God."

And we sang... Blessed be your name.
And yes, God, thank you so much for being God,
I love you for your holiness,
thank you so much for your love,
for Jesus' sacrifce...
I praise you because YOU ARE GOD.


.........................................

And I am found in You. :)
I am at peace. You are my Rock!
Thank you for today, for the wonderful people I met.
I love FiCB people too.
Lord, may I look at YOUR WILL and not ... YOUR WILL FOR MY LIFE.
but YOUR WILL.
please give me affirmation in which church to serve.
i want fiCB to grow, I love the people in it, but can I share my life with it? how can i serve there? and ... yes it does take a lot of time, yes something's can be foreign. and whenever I think about church, my mind imagines the walls of kcpc on a foggy morning, in view of the ocean.
Living Water is wonderful as well. It seems fresh, loving, and filled with passionate people for your name. Its also creative and close.
Your will be done. not my will, your will.
Thank you for your word today Lord. what a life changing event. I am so glad because I WAS DYING. Thank you healer!
:)
I want to only live for you!!!
:)
thank you God! You are sovereign! Glory to your name....

Love,
teresa ^^ a child of God

Remember remember

Someone said "Alan Chen?" that keeping a journal to create memories for important events are beneficial to you, especially if you want to recall information very fast-something he said his employers really liked. And it was very impressive, even though he had an accent and sometimes couldn't formulate sentences very well, when he said this and snapped his fingers.

Today, I pulled an all-nighter. I didn't want to, but when I saw it was inevitable, my productivity slipped. My midterm paper was so horrible haha I'm sure even a high schooler would make much more coherence than what I threw out there. wow. I'm concerned a little because it doesn't make any sense, and the topics seemed easy enough (after I understood them) anyway, and I didnt' cite some sources correctly. Haha, me in the kitchen is not a good idea. I just ate alot of things in the kitchen, and more and more and more, without ceasing... And even after hours and hours, nothing really cropped up. I realized i was having trouble composing because I had no idea where i was going with my paper. Usually, I always do, however, this time, it was just like, oh this is good evidence. this too. add this. um. where is this supposed to go? I felt like solving ... or more like constructing ... a rubix cube puzzle. Well, I went to class of course, sat in the back, and looked over what I had to prepare for my second essay, and seeing that it was short in length, allowed myself to take out my notes. However, I kept nodding off and I wrote alot of scribbles in place of my notes ... no matter how hard I tried. finally, it was over, I awoke to a stream of students filing out the door, some looking at me. I rushed to my Stats class, the air did me some good, I dozed off less in Stats. In stats we continued our discussion of Probability, everything seemed to make much sense to me, She overwent the things we learned the previous day, giving us the formulas of (1-p(notbeingthere)) and P(A)xP(B) for associations (also to watch out for those which were interdependent) for the problems that were to become very messy. Some of the examples she gave I could not follow along, I remember her continuing to give examples using cards and being able to replace them, and other not being able to replace them. The second half of the lecture, she warned was difficult, at this i awakened, wanting to figure out the puzzle, the challenge she was to pose at us, and see if it really was so hard to figure out. But honestly, I don't think she should have made such a big deal about it, because I understood what she was teaching perfectly. 1/5 and 1/5 the chances are the same even if the card is the third card in the deck. oh, if only my homework reflects what i learn! I really wanted to get straight 3's! For MCB, I think we learned about more poisons, or more things that can block Sodium gated channels. 6 of them in different colors, in different names, shown different structures, and I think we were supposed to memorize them. I remember squiggles on my notes ... hahahah I had fallen asleep while I was writing down my notes. But I still don't really know what happened in MCB... it looked important.
Afterwards, I decided to go to the library to work on my essay, yes, read and write the thing two hours before it was due. I think it was at 3:42 when I finally ran out of there, down to Computer Facility, thinking I couldn't make it, but when I got there, I realized i did have a chance before it closed at 4. The computer was so laggy, every second counted, then the thing wouldn't print, I had to double side print it, staple it, and run off with it in my hand. I was so lucky the building was close to the computer facility. Took the elevator, went up, tried to find the office and right before the man posted something and before the door closed behind him, I caught it. he turned looked at me and said we're closed, I hesitated, because I thought he would take my paper, and after a moment, he said where do I put this in? relieved i told him my classroom's number, and went out of there. I came home, exhausted, went on the computer a bit and looked at health videos and my emails just because. I made myself dinner and tackled at length with Natalie, who took an interest in helping me find a good summer class and who I shared my rice with. I then decided to go to CALUPHC's Internship Night. I was a little late, but i ran, got there, met Marvin and remet Jayanti, because I guess I looked so horrible she didn't recognize me. Rebecca told me that if I look on the listserve or something, I'd be able to look at some internships from Kaiser, Pfsizer, etc. the application for them, she told me, was due in a month. Her focus was either Epidemeology or Infectious Diseases. I thought how she said it was that we weren't closer friends. Cu we didn't have much to talk about--something was just off with me today, I guess. perhaps people were turned off by my ugliness. Anyways, the internship thing then got rolling with caitlin reintroducing the club, their activities, and i guess, some advice on internships. Then we had our speaker come out and talk, he looked like someone I knew. He said he was an MCB major, and a public policy minor and during his first years got connected in many clubs then dropped the ones he didn't like. He recommended checking out everything which really appealed to me because I sincerely want to do everything. He was in a premed frat and explained that he had been in suitcase clinic, and that somehow he got involved with the American Association of Lung ... and basically how he resurrected a group that was dying by committing himself to Oakland schools and teaching them about asthma and how to take care of it. because he explained, interestingly, where urban societies are supposed to contribute to less asthma, the opposite has been happening in Oakland, which incidentially has one of the nation's largest percentages of asthma. He and forty others have been going around schools providing information and has also been providing cheaper medical supplies that is used in conjunction with asthma mask. He was very happy. And through Oakland kicks Asthma, he started to apply to internships near the Eastern states and Washington. Even though he was competing against those who had interned with congress men, he said that when interviewed, he used anecdotes and they were able to sense his passion as well as his strong ability to recall information very fast, which was a great skill indeed ... (and something I also want to have). He got a position, and was very surprised when he learned that he got a very goood position, a head of something. And because of his position, he got to attend meetings in Congress when they were discussing health reform; and during coffee breaks he got to meet his heroes, the people he learned about in school! wow! I mean, I only felt that once, when i was walking down the hall of Barrows, gaping in wonder at the names framed on each of the doors as those were the same names that were the author of the amazingly groundbreaking papers in the realm of sociology ... and my own realm of reality! Anyways, that was his next advice, he got to talk with these eminaries~ and he got to establish a network. I think that was it for advice. It was so crazy to hear him speak, I was just half the time staring in wonder at the guy. dang. can I do that?
The next bit was the officers introducing themselves and telling us what job experience or internship position or research position they had in the past. And wow, hearing them made me think dang, they are really good at this. They are very proactive, they really commit themselves, and they enjoy it. really, I feel like I'm in the land of eminaries already, no need to go to Harvard or Washington. So, I have decided to look at the resources they gave me and also pursue a research position or an internship even though I do not feel qualified at all.
Minute Maid Pomegranate tea is amazing. I'll have to buy it in my Safeway run.
Lisa gave me tips and so did Marvin, They told me to go for URAP, HIRP, check out list serves, go to PH116, and i also plan to make Public Policy a minor as well! If its possible! I'm growing increasingly excited for it. :) As for the sciences, I want to take BIO 1A soon so I can take upper div bio classes! the hard sciences are calling for me! I want to KNOWWWW how things work in the moelcular level, and also how society works, etc. I wonder which field I will choose. :) But first things first, :)
The lessons learned today: don't waste your body :(
don't waste food :(
don't procrastinate even though you think you aren't...
Keep on persisting! send applications ! one of them are bound to come back! >:D
fight on!
if you are interested, passionate in something, send a letter, put yourself out there!

early to bed and early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and wise.

Now, i'm going to make a todo list. and sleeeeepppppppp

:) Tomorrow is mine!

i get to be melodramatic because i'm blogging!

I am realizing how beautiful relationships are. . .

and the care and effort needed to sustain them . .





things i would have never said before... never felt before...
I miss you grandma. I miss you Daniel. I miss you Mom, dad. I miss you Stella, Simon. All the people at Korea who I'd thought I would forget and not have a care for... I miss them. a lot.
They are probably the ones who don't have the time to spare a thought for me... so busy and such.
My room mates have become more precious to me.
lol my heart is feeling funny.
I'm so grateful for the people on facebook (sad) that I haven't spoken to but stilll are friendly to me. :)
And as I'm here now... trying to resuscitate relationships are hard. I've also channnggeeeedd O_O And am I even willing to commit?

these are thoughts I thought of (among 100940909403902830909324328239billion)

more revelations to come :)

Beginning Phase!

HEllOOOooO!!
Haha I'm super excited~!!! So many things to share... and they're actually some GOOD things to say too!! ^_^

Well, let's start with the base of my concerns, which was... eating.
The whole poor diet thing.
Well, on Saturday (it Feels SOOO FAR AWAY!), I went to the market and bought a whole lot of food. The person I went with, who drove me there, was probably thinking OMG what a pig what a moneywaster!
Usually I don't ever buy much food but this time I forced myself. I didn't even buy peanut butter!
And since then, I've been eating only really healthy things. And... with less portions. I have seriously been treating myself like a patient! okay protein, don't wanna eat carbs again, fiber and veggies....

And I was really happy to see myself losing weight! ^____^
haha
oh but that kinda failed yesterday, when our small group went to Oakland to Taco Truck... and we had the Authentic Mexican tacos and burritos and drinks. mm And then after that we had cake pops, ice cream and cookies...of which I ate the most. couldn't stop myself! I was hungry?
And today I looked at the stupid scale thing... and I was back to where I started from! all that weight that was lost =[
and then today, i woke up late (cuz I came back from small group really late and couldn't sleep til 4/5) and I ran to class, without breakfast.... Finally when my break came at 12:30 I made myself this huge, freaking healthy lentil soup with oats, carrots, onions, beans, broccoli, green peppers... hahahahaha XD but then ... it tasted ... so bland. something wasn't right. Like usually I would gulp down the whole thing... but I don't know what was missing!!! I really hope I find out the thing that was missing... Anyways, I ate alot of that... and had to go to class again, but found myself Still hungry... anyways i came home and ate another super lot of food. i had chocolate and peanut butter today too ...
=P I was just so scared today...like WTHECK is wrong with my body? I ate a lot but why am I still hungry?... i think it has to do with ... last night and my pants? hm

Well, schoolwise...
i'm OKAY. I'm very proud of myself for doing my stats hwk really early and checking every answer with my GSI. I better get a 3 this time!!!!
Trying to catch up in my other classes in terms of reading. Wow I'm so old now, its hard to remember stuff!
I have a midterm due already! =[ It looks so hard... because its an upper div soc class... argghh I hope I can do it! Due next Thursday

Small group

All the girls are wonderful (of course), I hope I can open up to them! And I hope they don't think I'm weird! .... They all enjoy shopping and eating really bad food! Which is not like me (I just like eating everything) And they all look like they're super close friends with each other. But here I shouldn't be thinking about me right? But how I can share my love with them. Or be a friend to them. Cuz that ... would always displace my fears.

Valentine's Day

I wanted to do something with my roomies for Valentine's day... but I'm also super busy this weekend to actually prepare something (except now..........)
And also send my brother something? Dunnnnnnooo.

Every day this week... I read the bible and prayed a little bit. The first few days I hardly ever thought of the Q.T. but now they seem a little bit more deeper.
When i find myself in Him, I am deeply at peace.

The battle continues.
May God give me more understanding of Him and have my mind wholly so I may
not sin against Him.
Eternal Perspective.

Lots of stuff planned for the rest of the week.
I can do it! =]

I failed.
was so tired today.
and am so tired today too.
got home after class... from 9:30 a.m. - 3:00 p.m. no breaks.
but the 12:30-2:00 sight singing class was fun...even though I'm not taking it for credit.
And i have a lot to read =] but didn't get that done.
haha
Instead, I got home, after buying a slice of pizza, watched the documentary Sicko, and then proceeded to eat a lot more, watched and read the State of the union Speech, and then nigahiga's dancing video caught my eye. haha Afterwards, I just read a book I was actually supposed to... even though the report for it is due next week instead of this week.... =]
So I still have things to get done.
let's see...

• reader for Soc T_T this is the most reading i have to do... and its 2 weeks worth of reading because i didn't really know that we were supposed to read the first week.but i guess its still my fault. I just wish I could take my time drinking in all the readings ya know? Instead of having to rush skim through every one of them (which I suck at) and write a really thoughtful response towards it (hwk).
• MCB 180 report due on Friday. I could get it done real fast, but I take a long time, and like to take a long time writing, editing, rewriting, etc. . . so starting faster is the way to go.
• Statistics hwk due tomorrow. yikes! its due at 6 but still! I'm half done but I like to be completely 100% of my answers because there are no answers provided and we're graded on them! I can't have the 2nd hwk assignment be the dropped assignment!
  
• psychology... just read! and review notes and stuff!
  
• right now i haven't been reading that much for all my classes because all the subject material have been overlapping each other! It's crazy. Brain and Behavior with Psychology, then Psychology with Statistics... sometimes I get really confused because they focus on different things, though the same material. and i always get cocky and give half a ear to stuff i already know... and its kinda like review for me... oh i know this i think and am tempted to tune out. but i know i shouldn't... and i'm always surprised at how much i've forgotten. :)

And then... there's the eating and exercising.

tomorrow's a new day.

today:
pizza
cereal + milk (2) = 400
oatmeal = 250
bread 45 cal. - 3 = 135
bread 120 cal. - 1= 120
pita 320 cal. - 1 = 320
peanut butter = 500?
cornbread =500?
nutribar =180?
peanuts
hummus
...

this was my dinner .
i always feel like i'm a poor person or something.
like because this is such bad food, i'm going to eat something more?
And i've been noticing that I react negatively towards people doing better than me. which is Great, because they're being healthy, getting themselves out there, getting jobs, etc. ... passed a class i couldn't.
but i guess i feel jealous. and i know i don't need to be. i know i can too.
haha throughout this post, I'm being really positive. I usually don't talk to myself this lightly in reality.

but anyways,
and then there's also my friends ... and church...
should I attend FICB? like all week, my heart screamed for fellowship, the intimacy that only brothers and sisters of Christ can provide, the growing-together feel, the discussing-about what was preached...or how we're trying to incorporate . no live out faith in our lives...
the sound of my peers praying...
was sooooo sweet to my ears.

that one time.

i'm scared of ... perhaps not fitting in, just the laborious task of getting to know everyone and putting myself out there and doing my best... but I think that I will do it.
:)

Smile.
*oh! wish me luck tomorrow!*

wow 3 blogs today.
i am excited. i have no time. i need the plan!

sooooo here's what I'm planning to doooooo~~~

1) wake up early !!! yeah perhaps 7:00 a.m.
2) read Q.T. and PRAY www.swim.org
3) 7:30 go to the gym baby!
4) 8:30 shower
5) eat something. like a salad, with beans, veggies, and oatmeal?
6) library study or @ home w/ tea :)
7) lunch eat something nutritious
8) go along the day, with healthy snacks, breaks (i suk at taking breaks), studying, because exercise is outta the way. Exercise in the morning probably 2x this week, 3x/next week, etc.
9) blog

Right now the disciplines i'm focusing on right now
is
body,
soul,
and
being a stellar student!
(oh, and of course, being a really good friend ^^)
...(and family member T_T)

Its very flexible, but... YEAH! :D
Its a framework, but its something... Oh, and i have so much to read!
I love to read, but sometimes, this is a lot of pressure.
I really want to thrive in Berkeley~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I want to make lots of beautiful memories and also become a better, stronger person... that I dreamed that I would be.
That is my goal.
But I tread in humility !
And remember God.
okay, good night!

reading :)
skim psych. chapter 3 ^^
Statistics homework 1/2 way
Readers for SOC 180 ... this week's individualism and next week's religion
DNA Helix,
no psych disc. hwk
read ch. 4 MCB


I really feel like I'm forgetting something...
haha no matter
Here's to a new me!
You can do it!

:)

I will succeed.

I'm going to exercise in the mornings! That gets me so excited~ because it seems so epic! Like... when Condoleeza Rice woke up every day @ 5 a.m. to learn ice skating... or when the ice princess girl also had to sneak in practices at 4 in the morning.

One of my goals is to join an acapella group... or be part in a musical!
I feel like I'm not alive, like a part of me is dead, because I'm not involved in any extra curricular activities. I mean, I used to give those things so much of my time and energy... and even though i complained then... about not being able to study haha... now I really want to take part in something time-consuming and seemingly unrewarding.

I have an artistic soul.

It needs release from time to time...

Sooo I'm going to take classes on sight singing. auditing. and try out for a choir or something next semester?

Another thing, I am really hungry for a fellowship. Service at church is great, but I need to people, the body of Christ, so that I too can also give and love... and be nurtured.

I've gained weight. But I'm going to take it all off. My goal weight right now, is 120 lbs, which is I think not CRAZY... because when I was in high school I weighed less than that... and was ashamed. haha
but now, I'm striving for that. ~~ Not to be super hot or anything, but because... haha for my health! to take care of this temple entrusted to me! So far, I've not been taking good care of my body. . .
Eating when i'm not hungry, eating alot of food... a lot of peanut butter sandwiches, sometimes virtually NO vegetables, not exercising, eating really late at night, eating ... just alot.
I really like to eat, and its what I do whenever I feel ... anything... whether sad, angry, stressed, depressed, full or hungry.
I know its not healthy, I know my liberal taking advantage of everything, of stealing, of ... giving my heart wholly to carnal desires is not. healthy.
to say the least.
And for change, lots of planning needs to be involved, I realized.
A set plan, a set of promises that you'll do.

Hence, this blog. I'm trying to motivate myself... to stop being a garbage can, to... socialize with other people again. Most of the people I worry about haha are people from FICB. I feel as though I need to go back to them, that I'm accountable to them, and thus, this burden. Perhaps its a good thing, maybe for others, but I deal with burdens, the prospects of failures and shame very differently.
I run, look the other way.
The toll of sin in my heart. of shame, of unrepentence.
But then i know keeping on the safe and quiet side is no excuse and will do no good...
for delay is a kind of denial. the deadliest kind.
for silence is the same as agreement. the saddest kind.
For darkness will encompass those who hide in it. who run to it.
And even what will be given to him will be taken away...
That verse fills me with dread... and an urgency to right my wrongs. to submit my ways. to fully surrender.
Yes, I know I have lied. I have kept myself from promising good things to you because I feared that I would be a liar, because i wouldn't be able to do what I said, and be a bigger sinner.
But no more.
No matter the face, No matter the number on the scale, no matter the haunting past, narrowing view of the future, no matter the broken relationships, no matter my failures and habits, no matter the sins.
I will try once more.

Come, let us reason together, says the Lord, though your sins are red as scarlet, they will be white as snow. though they be red as crimson, they will be white as snow.
a beautiful necessary paradox.

thank you jesus. you are the lifter of my head.

Peace,
love,
t

Berkeley

Higher education refines my mind,
for a time makes me forget about the desires of my carnal flesh.
An air not sweet but calming, electrifying, enlightening.
I leave the prison of my mind, body for awhile, floating in elevated ideals and intellectual bliss.
I am the most bane sinner ever
Thank you for the beautiful power of knowledge.
Thank you Berkeley.
To many more.