:)

I will succeed.

I'm going to exercise in the mornings! That gets me so excited~ because it seems so epic! Like... when Condoleeza Rice woke up every day @ 5 a.m. to learn ice skating... or when the ice princess girl also had to sneak in practices at 4 in the morning.

One of my goals is to join an acapella group... or be part in a musical!
I feel like I'm not alive, like a part of me is dead, because I'm not involved in any extra curricular activities. I mean, I used to give those things so much of my time and energy... and even though i complained then... about not being able to study haha... now I really want to take part in something time-consuming and seemingly unrewarding.

I have an artistic soul.

It needs release from time to time...

Sooo I'm going to take classes on sight singing. auditing. and try out for a choir or something next semester?

Another thing, I am really hungry for a fellowship. Service at church is great, but I need to people, the body of Christ, so that I too can also give and love... and be nurtured.

I've gained weight. But I'm going to take it all off. My goal weight right now, is 120 lbs, which is I think not CRAZY... because when I was in high school I weighed less than that... and was ashamed. haha
but now, I'm striving for that. ~~ Not to be super hot or anything, but because... haha for my health! to take care of this temple entrusted to me! So far, I've not been taking good care of my body. . .
Eating when i'm not hungry, eating alot of food... a lot of peanut butter sandwiches, sometimes virtually NO vegetables, not exercising, eating really late at night, eating ... just alot.
I really like to eat, and its what I do whenever I feel ... anything... whether sad, angry, stressed, depressed, full or hungry.
I know its not healthy, I know my liberal taking advantage of everything, of stealing, of ... giving my heart wholly to carnal desires is not. healthy.
to say the least.
And for change, lots of planning needs to be involved, I realized.
A set plan, a set of promises that you'll do.

Hence, this blog. I'm trying to motivate myself... to stop being a garbage can, to... socialize with other people again. Most of the people I worry about haha are people from FICB. I feel as though I need to go back to them, that I'm accountable to them, and thus, this burden. Perhaps its a good thing, maybe for others, but I deal with burdens, the prospects of failures and shame very differently.
I run, look the other way.
The toll of sin in my heart. of shame, of unrepentence.
But then i know keeping on the safe and quiet side is no excuse and will do no good...
for delay is a kind of denial. the deadliest kind.
for silence is the same as agreement. the saddest kind.
For darkness will encompass those who hide in it. who run to it.
And even what will be given to him will be taken away...
That verse fills me with dread... and an urgency to right my wrongs. to submit my ways. to fully surrender.
Yes, I know I have lied. I have kept myself from promising good things to you because I feared that I would be a liar, because i wouldn't be able to do what I said, and be a bigger sinner.
But no more.
No matter the face, No matter the number on the scale, no matter the haunting past, narrowing view of the future, no matter the broken relationships, no matter my failures and habits, no matter the sins.
I will try once more.

Come, let us reason together, says the Lord, though your sins are red as scarlet, they will be white as snow. though they be red as crimson, they will be white as snow.
a beautiful necessary paradox.

thank you jesus. you are the lifter of my head.

Peace,
love,
t