drowning

What a day~
Couldn't sleep so I got up at 3 ... and used my cell phone light to read some Psalms verses.
I remember thinking, Wow... David is soooo honest and sooooooo pining after God. This is what it means to be a man after God's own heart...
After reading a few chapters, I drifted into sleep . . .

My alarm at 7:30 woke me. I thought I had put my alarm to 7:15 so I sprung out of bed, and hastily washed my face, tore through my closet, and bounded down the stairs. But map was wrong for the time the bus would be coming. It would come at exactly 7:50 and not 7:51. I went back home, tossed in a water bottle and my umbrella, ate something, and left again for the next stop.

I waited for an hour.
I was in Oakland, reading my book, waiting for the 11 bus. I kept asking people if it'd come or not, everyone assured me it would.
It finallllly came.

i was late.
People started introducing themselves, making jokes, I was unprepared. awkward. and very tired. ... and after meeting Shera, very very impressed and shy.

Nevertheless, I got through it, lunch was great, Brad was very nice, and I was very passionate for CCMP- Coalition of Concerned Medical Professionals, a grassroots organization that gives medical service to low income workers and fights for comprehensive health care.
I awed at the typewriter, the passssiooonnnatttee volunteers, and marveled that everything from Brad's clothes to the food to every supply was donated.
plans for advancing its cause in my head.



gave 3 homeless people money. talked to a hobo... he got me water...
i gave him my information... i didn't feel right.
i called sarah. no answer. leave message. call paul.
great phone call. :) 'Jesus wants to experience both the bad and the good with you. Come as you are. He still loves you. you are hurting huh?' i cried. called sarah. ark? ok... sure :)

ARK.
didn't know what to expect, heard that it was a charismatic church...
but when we started to worship, it was just people expressing their love their joy to God... singing, dancing, shouting... a little reflection of Heaven...
heavy on my heart. i started to believe again. in the power of the holy spirit.
come on up she said. no more fear of man in you she said.
i came up. scared doubtful.
stop thinking and just let go she said.
try these words...
...
...
is this real?
...
...
i guess it is....
...
but other people...
...
its okay...
...
i only want one thing most of all...
besides spiritual gifts...
and that one thing...
is to knnoow the love and grace of God. . .
so that when people scream for joy at the liberation that Jesus Christ brought...
i don't stand there confused... burning to experience to know what they're feeling...
.... that's all i want....
....
hi can i pray for you... she said.
never expected what would come next.
ladder... i'm climbing and climbing and i'm struggling....
God......
.....
is pleased with you.
THUNDERBOLT.
God is so pleased with you its like He wants to give you a prize
for being so faithful.
THUNDERBOLT.
rain....streaming down..................
He. is. so. pleased. with. you.
rain. rain. rain..........

He wants you to keep climbing up the ladder
even though its so long
and its going to be hard
because the things beyond that ladder are glorious

He loves you.
He is so pleased with you.



That realization was the greatest gift I received that night.
She didn't know me. Didn't know the sins I struggled with. didn't know that i'm the worst hypocrite and the greatest of all sinners
But to know that God is actually pleased with me... that Jesus loves me like a tidal wave ... that God wants to pour out on full blast his blessings upon me... upon everyone of us....
to know that you smile when you see me
is so precious and so so wonderful Lord.

I will keep on climbing Lord....
I love you Lord thank you for loving me first... and ALWAYS