a post for me and no one else - theoretically. well, its okay, you'll get bored =]

Ouch. my tummy hurts.
Usually this doesn't happen. Usually my stomach bounds to the next stage, bypassing the hurt; in other words, so trained is my stomach in holding so much food that I never experience stomach"aches" but, a pregnant belly and a bloated feeling of discomfort lingering in every movement. . . as far as symptoms and consequences, I could go on and on.
With the creation of this blog, [I've had a few other online blogs in the past (xanga, another xanga, etc.)], I promised myself quietly that I would never post and open my weakness regarding food with the rest of the world. But, today, after eating so much and wanting to rant, that promise (after only the 2nd post! haha) has dissolved and I'm feeling confident but insecure about sharing this online, publicy, under my name and picture.

Its amazing how eating so much has become a social ill- rather than starvation, poverty, and lack of privation- yaknow, those more natural and rightly pitiable situations. But gorging, being selfish, pushing others out of the way, debauchery, drunkenness... don't necessairly exact pity per se from others.
(Now, there can be a great, academic and very perusasive study that absolutely refutes what I just said, justifying people of committing these very things because of their social backgrounds, the environment, etc. But, I claim these to be evils for myself, at the least, temptations I know which to be brimming with evil and destruction that I struggle in my heart to overcome. I can say that 'everybody is doing it,' or 'I was raised that way,' but I know what is right and what is wrong (in this case anyway), the consequences of these actions reaffirm my beliefs, it is a battle I fight with gritted teeth and so I am unshaken in my belief that these are sins.)

But, I guess the greater fool is the one who knows what to do, but doesn't do it. Instead of talking about how GREAT a social ill binge eating is, why not just take control of my habits and put an end to it altogether?! Right?

Before, when verbalizing about overeating, I was filled with shame and considered it to be 'bad.' But, now that I think about the reasons WHY I overeat so much and cause so much complaints wthin myself, encourage bad habits, and retard my socal life, is because I actually enjoying eating.
too much.
Its selfishness, and a little bit of wanting to feel secure like having a 'famine survival' mindset.
Its also triggered by thirst, sleep deprivation!!!!, stress, an outlet for a bad conversation or a fight, or rampant sin. So, it ranges from the lesser evil to the greater evil.
Oh Lord, food is a wonderful blessing that you have given us. I thank you for the amazing awesome experience of eating food and the pleasure we can gain from it- whole events, gatherings, and holidays are dedicated to this delightful experience! But Lord, I pray that it will not consume me, that it would not be my idol, that it would not be the thing I give my heart, my soul, my thoughts and my friends up to. I want to feast and be satisfied with the bread from heaven, and hunger no more and thirst no more. You said, Ask and you will receive. So I humbly and expectantly ask you to remove this addiction from my life-permanently. And fill my all with you God and you Jesus and you Holy spirit.


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My mind is a tempest.
I think this, then justify the exact opposite. The one thing I'm sure about is how I am never sure on one thing. In ideas or even just tracking my train of thought, its random. Will the cynical mind ever lay to rest?

After being thrown about in my mind, attacked at all sides from these waves, and pummeled even more so because of the grand fact that I'm doing this to myself in the first place, I seek rest. And I go to my savior, downcast, wet, shivering... Shelter from my own thoughts.
I need Him to smooth the waves, to control the storm of my mind.
He slowly fills me with tranquility. He reminds me again of his glorious light.
The warmth of him and who he is slowly dries and warms me.
He restores my soul.

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i forget you and your sacrifice so EASILY LORD!
Bring me to the cross where your love poured out,
Bring me to my knees, Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself, I belong to you,
Oh lead me, lead me to the cross.

may i sin no more because it hurts me, it hurts you, it hurts others, and that seemingly glorious moment of time in rebellion and pleasure leads to guilt, destruction, despair and ruin.

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Did i fail again? Fail in following you Lord? though I was so much more focused today, in the midst of being tired, will my body follow you? can i move my limbs in accordance to the vision my heart glimpses at? I pray I live a better day tomorrow than today's. Everything seems so meangingless compared to you.

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There's so many things i must do, so many things I want to do, so many things i want to see, so many things I want to improve on, so many things I want to write about, so many things i want, need, seek to pray about, and all these things I don't want to do, and never seems to get fulfilled.
Just keep trusting in God, and not in myself.
I know I can get almost half of the things I need/want/desire to do if I really get to work.

Last thing, we ate at P.F. Chang's (I suggested it after hearing the hullabaloo, but Coconut Bay would have more than sufficed). i would not recommend it, except their chicken lettuce wraps. A great and wonderful culinary creation. Everything else was too salty or just not good. Service slow and not too great. Kinda expensive. My brother suggested just going to panda express for much better quality food, speedier service, and a cheaper price. I will have to agree. I'm sorry to offend P.F. Chang's supporters, but this experience was distasteful.

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Good night =]
i hope no one reads this ridiculously long and random post.
it was more of a rant and get things out of head thing than a post.
i hope i won't be tired tomorrow. . . i hope i'm not too fat tomorrow =] haha
-___- sleepppy